Mother’s Day

Forgetting a Parent is forgetting part of yourself.

Mother’s Day, yeah, I know we are a few days past but I am still thinking about it. Mother’s Day has always been a struggle for me. Having not been raised by my mother it was always different for me than for everyone else in my circle. Add to that my analytical, literal, emotional and loyal nature and I could never figure out just how I was supposed to celebrate it. 

I always felt conflicted giving Mother’s Day cards to my grandma. It isn’t Grandmother’s Day, and they don’t make cards for the loving grandmother who is raising me. I also didn’t want to disrespect my mother. In elementary school, every year in May would come the dreaded assignment – make a card for your mother for Mother’s Day. I would make the card, sometimes if I was brave I would even make a card for my grandma, but I don’t remember a card that ever got beyond the bottom of my locker. The complexity of my thoughts, emotions and relationships created a very real internal conflict I felt no one understood. 

After elementary school I put Mother’s Day to the back of my mind and completely tried to ignore it. I chose not to celebrate my grandmother because she wasn’t my mother, I chose not to celebrate my mother because she wasn’t there on a day to day basis. Both decisions grieve me now.

Now as a mother myself, I realize the importance of being remembered, recognized and celebrated. When I became a mother I could no longer ignore Mother’s Day – I wished I could. I wished it wasn’t so important to me, I wished it had never been. I wished I could just brush it off as another day, but I couldn’t. I put so much weight on the meaning of the day. I put so much hope of recognition and expectation of celebration on the day that those who love me could never stand up under the weight – but I also felt ashamed to tell them how important it was to me to be remembered. When they didn’t remember or couldn’t live up to the weight of my expectations, I told myself they didn’t love me and didn’t value my contribution to their lives.  

These thoughts, emotions and expectations usually led to either a pre or post Mother’s Day melt down – sometimes both. Often Mother’s Day weekend was dreaded and completely miserable due to my own expectations.

In the last few years my thoughts and emotions surrounding Mother’s Day are improving. I try to focus less on myself and I have begun to enjoy remembering other mother’s and celebrating them. I try to hold Mother’s Day loosely and remind myself that my family and my children love me and value me even when they forget to show it. I also try to remember that love is not what happens in one day but what happens over the course of the lifetime – possibly even what happens over the course of eternity. Maybe one year I will finally avoid my pre and post Mother’s Day melt downs. Maybe one year I will just be grateful and trust the love I have. 

This year as I flipped my MotherWord Ultimate Family Calendar on my fridge, to the month of May, I felt criticized and judged by the quote from Mignon McLaughlin at the bottom of the page. It said, “The only mothers it is safe to forget on Mother’s Day are the good ones.” I disagree on multiple levels. I don’t believe my feelings and struggle around Mother’s Day make me a bad mother and I don’t believe mothers who suffer in silence are good or bad mothers either. I also don’t believe that forgetting any parent is safe. This forgetfulness has its own internal consequence – for your parent is part of you. Forgetting your parent is forgetting part of yourself. 

I believe it is important for our children to be taught to remember and honour their parents – mother’s and fathers. Not just on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day but through the years.

 This year I chose to work Mother’s Day to provide myself some distraction. I thought I was good  – but no. To my dismay Mother’s Day eve the melt down came. I was anxious I would be forgotten and at the same time didn’t want to tell anyone how important it is to me to be remembered. I’ve reminded people to remember me before. Then I tell myself they only remembered because I told them to (that feels worse than being forgotten) You can see how I felt I was screwed either way. However, it was my own thoughts playing with my mind.

This year when the melt down came I was still determined not to say a thing, but the feelings and fear got too much. I broke down and talked to my husband about it all. This time not desperately reminding him to remember me, but about how I felt and my fear. He reassured me not to worry. He told me that the kids had learned their lessons well and that they would not disappoint – he was right. They didn’t disappoint. Each of them remembered me in their own special and unique way and I felt loved. After all the emotion I am grateful.

Grief in a Blended Family

Sometimes in a blended family it is easy to feel alone.

If you have been following my blog you know I haven’t written in months. The last blog post I wrote came from a place of past loss and fear of future loss. I am still in that place. The truth is, since I wrote, my family has been dealing with some really tough stuff – most of which I am not yet at liberty to talk about. I don’t know what the outcome will be. Even if it would be helpful for me to talk about it. My family and I  are still in the place of figuring it out one day at a time and doing the best we can. Sometimes that is all you can do. 

On top of everything, we have had 2 significant losses, one on either side of our blended family; my Aunt, who I mentioned in my last post, and my step-daughters’ grandma, on their mom’s side. Not to mention Covid19, social distancing and the fear we are facing with the rest of the world. 

I have found grief in my blended family strange and isolating. Half of my family had no meaningful connection to my aunt. Yet, for me she was a mentor and the living connection to my uncles who have passed. Now she is gone. It feels as if all connection to my uncles is gone too. My grief is very deep, yet in my home I have been the only one grieving her. My husband has done his best to understand and support – but it is my loss not his.

For my step-daughters their loss is fresher – only a few days ago. As schedules would have it, they have been with me. Again, only half of our family has memories and connection to their Grandma. I really only know what I have been told. This is hard. I am saddened for their loss but personally have nothing to actively grieve, or miss and am not really sure how to comfort them. Maybe it is enough that I am here. 

There have been tears, anxiety and sleepless nights. We are doing our best in the unknown and supporting each other as best as we can, but sometimes in a blended family it is easy to feel alone.  Often I feel less alone when no one is around and I am actually alone. In fact time alone often helps me regain connection to myself and my family. I think this is pretty normal for introverts.

I have learned that these times of grief, pain and loneliness are when communication and connection are most needed but also, the most difficult to maintain. These are the times when we need to ask our family members for what we need; talk about what we are feeling and experiencing and be gentle with ourselves and each other.  Unfortunately, these are the times we get impatient, irritable and communication is less gentle and less clear. I tend to just go silent – and just try to make it through. I suppose that is why I haven’t posted in a while.

Something to Think About

As a mom and step-mom in a blended family I feel a huge responsibility for all my children (biological and step). I also feel accountable to my co-parents for the decisions I make in regard to our shared children. I feel it mostly when I sign permission slips, consent and release forms for our kids. It is a regular thing. I sign forms for both my step and biological children. We have never made it an issue which parent or parents have the right to sign such forms. In our family it has always been the responsibility of the parent who is available at the time the form is needed. There is a mutual trust that each co-parent has the best interest of the child or children at heart and will sign accordingly. This makes life easier and is something I am thankful for. Most of the forms are no big deal – school field trips or other participation consent forms. However, every time I sign a form the weight of responsibility hits home for me. 

I am not one who can ignore the line on the form that states the risk of potential harm. I can’t look at that line and rationalize ‘that will never happen to me or my family’. For most parents loosing one of their children is one of their greatest fears – it is one of mine too. However, for me, the fear of being responsible for the loss of someone else’s child is greater. This includes my biological children because I share them with my previous partner. They are not mine alone and in my life tragedy has never been a stranger. 

When I was 9 years old my blended family and I (6 kids and 2 parents) were standing at the door of my grandma’s house just about to leave after a visit. A police car pulled up to the house and out got 2 police men, and my recently married aunt and uncle. We were all scared. We didn’t know what was going on. The police squeezed past us into the house, without saying a word. They had my grandma and grandpa sit down in the dining room and gave them the news that my 21 year old uncle had hung himself. By this time we six kids were standing just around the corner in the kitchen.

My brand-new aunt had been the one to find him. I don’t remember us children being told anything directly, but I picked up the news from the pale, sick looking faces and the hushed whispers of the adults. The first direct conversation I remember about it was my step-mom explaining on our drive home how the police would bag the body. (One of us kids had asked the question)

When I was 15, exactly a week before my 16th birthday, one of my aunts came to find me at boarding school. She had me sit on my bed and sat down beside me. She told me my uncle (the same one who got out of the police car when my other uncle died) had fallen asleep at the wheel on his way home from work and had been killed. All I could say was “no, no” By this time he was a proud father of a little girl and a baby boy – but now he was gone. Somehow my dad still took me on my 16th birthday to get my learner’s license – and I passed. Two weeks after my uncle’s death my aunt (his wife) had me and my cousins over to celebrate my birthday. She said she realized that because of my uncle’s death my birthday had been forgotten but she wanted to remember.  

When I was 16 I was with my 1st boyfriend and his mom at a church family camp – we had just arrived and were starting to unpack. One of our pastors came over to find us. We were happy to greet him – he was solemn. He told us that my boyfriend’s older brother had been killed on his motorcycle. We had just seen him the day before and he had given us rides. In shock we threw everything back in the truck and headed back the way we came. I sat in the front seat of the truck between my boyfriend and his mom. We were silent. His mom was sighing and frantic. I spent the next few weeks with the family doing anything I could do to comfort. I witnessed what the pain could do. His dad was silent and distant; his mom absent and buried in prayer; my boyfriend frozen in shock. In pain he turned to his piano and wrote a song.

March of the next year my sixteen year old friend had a seizure alone in his dorm room and died. I was there as the police came to collect his body. I over heard the police make a comment that my friend didn’t look as bad as the man they had pulled from the truck under the bridge – and I knew they were talking about my uncle. From the boarding school 2 staff members and 2 students were sent as a delegation to my friend’s funeral. I was one of the students elected to go. I only remember his parents being comforted that he had been happy the last time they spoke to him. 

Finally in 2004 I was married and pregnant with my second child. One of my cousins called and told me the boyfriend I had been with when we got news that his brother was dead, had himself been killed in a car accident. He had just completed a life long dream of climbing a mountain that he and his brother had always planned to climb together. I was unable to attend his funeral or pay my respects. 

I don’t know if all this info is appropriate for a blended family blog – but it gives credit to my sense of fear. Twice I have been with women when they received the news that one of their children was dead. Three people I love were killed in car accidents and a dear friend died suddenly of a seizure at the age of 16. I know the risk I take when I am signing consent. This is why the responsibility weighs so heavily on me. 

Back to back tragedies were so common at one point in my life. Now that there has been no tragedy for several years – I almost fear it could be just around the corner or just about to drop. I think Brene Brown calls that foreboding joy. However, I refuse to rob my children of opportunities because I am afraid. I refuse to hold back my life, or theirs, for the fear of loss. Even though the level of responsibility and accountability as a co-parent to me is unsettling. I refuse to put it aside. It makes me take pause and note the trust and honour I have been given. I keeps me humble. It is a trust and honour I give my co-parents as well. God forbid we ever loose a child. 

My fear was brought up most recently, when I was the parent available to take my youngest step-daughter for her 1st driver’s test. Getting a learner’s license and the process of learning to drive is one of the rights of passage to adulthood. I was honoured. I took my oldest almost two years ago, but had forgotten about the consent form that needed to be signed. 

Neither my step-daughter nor the government official at the desk were concerned that I as step-mom was signing for this monumental moment. However, when it came time to sign the form I almost stepped away. I hesitated. I questioned my right to such authority. I questioned my relationship with my step-daughter, with my husband and with her mom.

My fear threatened to take over. The thought was “What is everyone going to say if something happens to her when she is driving – and you gave her consent to do it. It will be your fault and everybody will blame you. She isn’t even your kid, who do you think you are? Signing her life away.”  Obviously this was not what I was doing – both my husband (her dad) and her mom knew she was going to write the test for her license and were on board. I was the parent available at the time.

I don’t know how other step-parents feel about signing consent but I have pretty much felt the same with every consent form I have ever signed. Due to my experience, this one, however, was bigger. The weight of giving consent for another person’s child scared me. Maybe it is just my trauma.  Maybe it is because we as a blended family have never had official conversations about who signs what forms and what to do in an emergency. We have allowed trust to flow – this is a good thing. But, perhaps due to my experience of tragedy I take the need for these conversations more seriously. I know bad stuff can happen and a preparatory conversation may prevent trauma on top of trauma. 

I also am a nurse, I see families when they have to make decisions for their loved ones they are not ready to make. In nursing school I was encouraged to have these preparatory conversations with my family – but I just let it go.

Almost 8 years into our blended family it almost feels too late, but perhaps it still warrants a conversation. If nothing else, perhaps a conversation would put me at ease. I would like to know how my co-parents feel and where they stand. Perhaps we will have a conversation in the future. 

Something to think about. 

Fighting a Myth

• 

Can only a nuclear family raise healthy children?

One of the first questions I find people ask me when we are getting to know each other is, “Do you have any kids?” When I answer that I have 4 kids ranging from 21 to 14 I usually get a look of shock, or disbelief. I don’t know if I look too young to have kids of that age, or if it is that 4 kids is a big family these days. Maybe it’s a combination. I usually go straight into my explanation spiel – we are a blended family, my husband has 2 girls I have 2 boys – he is 16 years older than me – his oldest is 21. If the person is curious they usually ask – “Do they all live with you?” The answer right now is – our oldest is in university and she currently lives with us full time – the other three go back and forth between their two homes on a two week schedule, but our almost 18 year old is beginning to come and go between his two homes as he pleases. 

When I explain that we are a blended family I usually get an understanding nod, but I am not sure what the person is understanding. Their perception of my family from what I have said is probably related to their previous experiences of blended families. Sometimes I see a split-second expression of judgment and then a look of disinterest – here is where the conversation usually ends, and this hurts. However, recently, and only once I received an authentic, enthusiastic  and almost applauding response when I said I have a blended family. A young woman I work with asked about my family. She was, as I usually expect, shocked when I said I have 4 kids ages 21-14, and as I explained more about my family her reply was – “blended family, wow!” She said it with a smile. I had never experienced that before and it felt refreshing. It made me feel normal, accepted and possibly even revolutionary.

As a mom of a blended family I have been fighting against a strongly held belief in our society that a “normal” family is a nuclear family. I am starting to see that this isn’t necessarily true. “The function of family is to nurture each member and promote moral, physical, intellectual, emotional, and social development.” (Elizabeth Soriola). Our family does this. This family function doesn’t change based on the form or structure of a family. I have seen many other forms of family do this too. Different family forms and structures are becoming more and more common in our society, including blended families. Is it possible that blended families and other forms of families are also “normal” families? What about single parent families, gay and lesbian families, binuclear families (any family that spans 2 households) etc.? Could they all be normal because their societal function is the same? Life events may alter family forms and structure but the societal function doesn’t change. Does this make it normal? In nursing school I was taught that family is what and who the patient says it is. However, it doesn’t seem to work that way in real life.   

Dr Constance Ahrons states that the belief that the nuclear family is “normal” goes even further in our society – sending a message that “only a nuclear family with two heterosexual parents, and only two, can raise healthy children and that all other families are bad and abnormal.” When I got divorced I believed this. I was afraid my children would be unhealthy and severely traumatized. I felt I had failed them as a parent because I had failed in my marriage. They were hurt yes, but I now believe staying in an unhealthy marriage would have hurt them more. Children are resilient and want their parents to be happy too. My children are moving forward better than I believed was possible when I divorced. I realize as I write that even in my position as a wife, mom and stepmom of a happy, healthy blended family I still hold some of this belief. It causes me to feel failure, shame, and guilt. It holds me back from being proud of my family, who we are and what we have accomplished together. 

According to Dr Ahrons the belief that only a nuclear family can raise healthy children is a myth. Nuclear families can raise unhealthy, traumatized children too. The truth is, it is possible for all forms of family, included blended family to raise either healthy or unhealthy children. My children are evidence of this truth and I am tired of the stigma and my own self-criticism surrounding divorce and blended families.

Let’s talk about some of the stigma. What about the language we use? Dr Ahrons explains that the nuclear centric language we use when talking about divorced families can cause immeasurable harm to children of divorce. Specifically words like ‘broken home’ to describe a divorced/binuclear family. Eg. She/he is from a broken home. This language can “cause [children] to feel deviant, stigmatized, and shamed.” I remember feelings like this in grade one; shortly after my parents’ divorce. To my knowledge I was the only kid in my class who’s parents were divorced. I was definitely the only one who was being raised by my Dad and my grandparents. At the beginning of grade two other parents of children in my school began to separate and divorce and a single parent family moved into my neighbourhood. These events helped normalize my situation for me but I still felt different and separate. 

My family was not one to talk about emotions. I was raised mainly by my Grandma, she was a loving woman but for her speaking about emotions was a generational taboo. She also was a woman of very few words. My Dad worked really hard to support us but had his own pain. I felt alone and different. I spent much of my childhood making sure others didn’t feel as alone and different as I did. The saving grace was my Grandma read myself and my brothers stories at least twice a day. Stories filled with morals, emotion, spirit, and triumph. I could relate to the experiences of those in the stories and they gave me hope. 

Dr Gabor Mate believes we can raise our children without trauma. This is a paraphrase of what he says, “trauma isn’t what happens to you – it is what happens inside you when you are alone with difficult emotions. When we have no one to share our emotions with we learn we are alone in the world – this leads to trauma. It is probably not possible to protect children from pain – life is painful, but we can help them experience it accompanied by a nurturing adult. In this way they learn they can handle it and there is support in this world.”

Based on what Dr Mate says it seems the best way to raise healthy and happy children in all forms of family is to nurture them and give them the ability and safe space to express their emotions without judgment or criticism.  This is not always easy, nor does it always come naturally but we are doing our best. Recently we have had some major wins which will continue to help our family grow.

We are a normal family, we nurture each member to develop morally, physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, and socially.”

Our family continues to fight the myth.

The Blended Family Revolution

• 

  My family is part of a social revolution I didn’t realize was there.

Walking in a thrift shop several months back, at the beginning of my blogging journey, I picked up a book titled The Good Divorce – Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart by Dr Constance Ahrons. By the title I assumed it would speak my language. I bought it out of curiosity and as a reference for my blog. I took it home, placed it on my desk with the 7 or so other books I have been meaning to read and never opened it, or thought anymore about it. Until yesterday, when I was pacing around my living room looking for inspiration it caught my eye again. I picked it up and read the introduction. I was hooked. In fact, in reading the introduction I learned that I and my family are part of a revolution that I didn’t realize existed. This excites me. The book was published and copyrighted in 1994 but it seems a book ahead of its time. 

Dr Ahrons is clear that divorce is not good but that there is such a thing as a good divorce. She explains, “Divorce is a fact of our society; [it is] a social institution – its purpose is to act as a safety valve for bad marriages.” She states that, “In good divorces, couples part without destroying the lives of those they love. Their children continue to have two parents; [who] continue to have good relationships with [them]. The families of good divorces continue to be just that – families.” Dr Ahrons states her book is about “divorces that run counter to stereotypes… [these] divorces model for individuals and society, the beginnings of a quiet, social revolution.” She believes that “as good divorces become more common, they will catalyze acceptance of an already existing but generally unaccepted cultural phenomenon – multi-parent families that span two or more households.” My multi-parent/blended family includes 5 parents 4 children and spans 3 households.

25 years after this book was published and copyrighted, good divorces are still not the norm but the “quiet revolution” Dr Ahrons mentioned is gaining strength.  Multi-parent families now even have a term. We now call them blended. Stories of good divorces and good blended families are popping up more and more: The father inviting the step-father of his daughter to join him and together walk her down the isle; The father making a birthday breakfast and buying gifts with his children for his previous partner; mothers and step-mothers working together and becoming friends; just to name a few. Every time I see one of these stories I am pleasantly surprised, and yet, not surprised at all. They make me feel like I am not alone. In fact we are part of a social revolution and I am excited.

This social revolution is not about protests, making headlines, or shouting out loud. It is about love, learning, and growth. It is about kindness, understanding, and intentional, unselfish action to work with a previous partner and new partners as the family expands. It is about intentionally putting the children first for their benefit but also to the benefit of all involved. 

I started blogging about my blended family because I believe this “quiet social revolution” (that I didn’t know I was part of) needs a voice. I believe it is imperative to the health of our children and future generations that whether the divorce rate increases or decreases  the number of good divorces needs to increase. People going through divorce need to know there is hope. They need to know they are not the only ones fighting to hold family together through divorce. It is time to defy a culture that thinks this is impossible. There are others out there like us and we can lead the charge.

If you have experienced divorce or have a blended family welcome. Our time has come. Join the revolution. It is never too late to make it good.

 

More than Ketchup – Influence in a Blended Family

The definition of influence is: the capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behaviour of someone or something. I believe as Bernard Kelvin Clive stated, “Everyone has a level of influence that can be harnessed for good” and as John C. Maxwell said, “Our level of influence is not the same with everyone.” I also believe we can’t always choose our influence. We get to choose our words and actions, but those in our circles of influence choose how, and if, they will receive influence from us. Our lives, words and actions, may grow or diminish our influence. They may even damage our potential for influence. Influence usually is more about who we are than what we say.

When my husband  and I got married he said he wanted my influence on his girls. Boy did he get it, lol. My influence became evident just a few years in. His youngest put ketchup on haystacks (a taco salad twist) the way I do. He always teases me about my odd taste for ketchup. When he noticed his youngest copying me he was jokingly appalled. In his opinion, nobody, and I mean nobody, puts ketchup on haystacks. When he jokingly freaked, I said, “Hey, when you married me – you said you wanted my influence on your girls – you didn’t say what kind of influence.” You get ketchup.

Although I have seen this evidence of my influence, in life influence often seems elusive. We are often unaware of what or how much influence we have. People in our circles don’t often tell us the influence we have – when they do it often comes as a surprise.

Let me tell you a story. It happened between my youngest son and youngest step-daughter – she is older by about a year and a half. She told me the story and gave me permission to share. 

Recently in school they participated in a program called Breaking Down the Walls. The program is designed to help the high school students learn, through games, other interactive activities, and sharing, that on some level they can relate to everyone in the room.

One of the activities was called 60 questions: A line was drawn on the floor with the students lined up side by side facing the line; 60 yes or no questions were asked; students were instructed to answer yes by stepping over the line. If they chose not to answer, or their answer was no, they stayed where they were. One of the questions asked was “Does anyone look up to you?” My step-daughter didn’t step over the line. My youngest son noticed. When the activities were finished and they were about to leave the gymnasium to their separate classes,  he tapped her on the shoulder. He said, “Why didn’t you step over the line? I look up to you. I thought you knew.” 

In relaying the story to me she explained that when the question was asked she thought about family: her older sister is 5 years older; all her cousins are older – except the ones on my side, but we don’t get much time with them. She said she looks up to people but as the youngest didn’t think anyone looked up to her. She explained the whole program was emotional, so when her little step-brother came up and called her on not crossing the line, because he looks up to her – it meant so much. 

The next day she was asked to participate in the program as a leader. This time when the question came up she knew she had to cross the line and own her influence. She almost began to cry, again, as she felt it sink in. She hadn’t realized she had influence, but it was always right there. I have seen it; so wasn’t surprised. Her influence has grown in the 7 plus years they have spent as step-siblings. She has also built her influence by who she is as an older sister to him. 

I believe influence is always within reach. It is as close as a word or choice – as close as our family, and as close as every person we meet. It is also distant – as distant as the reach of a ripple that moves across the ocean, and as distant as generations to come. 

Influence is important, it is a privilege and social power currency. It is so important – social scientists study it and record what they find. They have even studied the influence one stranger can have on another. Did you know, according to Social Contagion theory, if a stranger sitting beside you on an airplane buys candy your likelihood of buying candy increases by 30%? That seems like a lot of influence for a stranger, but what about influence in a blended family?

I found it interesting that in Time Magazine – The Science of Families 2018 – a long term study by Psychologist Mavis Hetherington and others from the University of Virginia was mentioned. Their study found that the longer a blended family stays together the less observable differences there are between it and a nuclear family. In the same Time Magazine article psychologist Shirley McGuire from the University of San Fransisco was mentioned. She conducted similar studies and found six years a good average time to see a blended family begin to more closely resemble a nuclear family. It was also suggested in the article that around the six year point step siblings may begin to have equal or more influence on each other than biological siblings.

These studies didn’t study step-parent-step-child relationships directly so can’t be directly applied to parental influence in a blended family. However, our family has been blended for almost 8 years and I have made some observations of my own. It is common knowledge that in early childhood parents tend to be the primary influencers. It is also common knowledge that as children grow their worlds expand to take influence from multiple people, places and things. All these influences can shape a child. Artist Maya Green stated “Various influences – our parents, other family members, teachers, books we’ve read, discussions we’ve had, life experiences – all merge together to form our core values.” I agree.

As children’s worlds expand parental influence may gradually weaken or become increasingly shared. By the time children are in their teens their primary influencers are usually peers. They may even refuse parental influence at this time. If a step-parent enters a child’s life at this point it can be very difficult to gain influence. It is crucial for a step-parent to be aware of the stage the child is at and be sensitive to it. Most step-parents enter a child’s life intending to influence for good but their intentions are often challenged. To harness influence for good takes time – and for good reason. It may also take longer with some children than with others. This can be due to personality, developmental stage, past trauma or a host of other factors.

When a step parent comes into the relationship expecting to have influence on a child early on and doesn’t receive it, it can be devastating. It can be devastating to their ego, the child, and their potential to influence in the future. It is crucial for a step-parent to understand – before the privilege of influence there are dues to be paid. They must put in time, energy, patience and love. Often they must prove to the child, especially a teen, that they care enough to be given influence. They may need to prove their authenticity and dedication; first their love and dedication to the child’s biological parent must be proven and then love and dedication to the child. A child needs to see that their parent is loved, by the step-parent before can fully trust love for themselves. Love and trust are needed before the acceptance of positive influence.

Let me tell you another story. When I was 9 my dad remarried. I was one of those children who resisted influence. Resistance came naturally to me, due to my personality, and past trauma. However, this resistance was protective. It doesn’t take much to influence someone negatively. One harsh word, a mean look, or one cruel act can change a child’s life forever. Often when children resist positive influence it may be because they are trying to protect themselves from negative influence. The wall against negative influence may also block positive influence and positive influence takes more time and effort. 

My step-mom and step siblings were only in my life for 3 short years. My step-mom didn’t make an effort to build our relationship to a point of influence. She never earned my trust or the privilege to influence me to the core. She taught me some things that I am glad to know, but she did not come close to my core values – the connection was not there. Her influence was more like ketchup – just on the top. 

For instance, she taught me how to do laundry and laundry became my responsibility from the time she entered my life. When my husband and I got married, one of the first things I did was get our four kids doing their own laundry too. It just made sense – we had a big family, I was in school, my husband was working, and we needed their help. 

I have found influence isn’t as simple as ketchup on haystacks or who does the laundry. It is elusive – but I have seen evidence of it here and there in all our children. That is enough. I don’t know exactly how our children are receiving my influence and I may never know. I don’t even know for sure what influence they will take away. They may not know until I am gone – that’s ok. I am almost 40 and I am still learning about the influence others have had on me. For now I live my best life, be my best self, live in love, and harness my influence for good as much as I can. I hope they will do the same. In the future, I believe my influence will be seen. Even if I don’t see it unfold, it will be there – I believe it will probably be more than ketchup.

Back to School – Blended

• 

  We look forward to the fruit.

“The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.” Aristotle

This week is back to school. Our kids are starting another year of education – ranging from 4th year university to grade 10. They are with their other parents this week. The rushing around and prep for back to school is reduced as the kids are in their other homes – but not the stress. I want to stay in better communication with them this year. The separation on first day and in the first week of school wrinkles my plan.

Maintaining clear communication with our kids and between homes has always been a challenge. We have amicable relationships with our previous partners, but even so, it is a challenge. I can only imagine how much more difficult it could be in strained co-parenting relationships. I believe we have managed it pretty well, but in the last few years I have noted areas where we (specifically I) can do better.

Communication is a challenge for all involved, parents and children. Parents get focused on their lives and jobs while the kids are away. It takes a bit to get back in the swing when the kids come back. We forget our children may need more help than they ask for. Sometimes we don’t even know the right questions to ask them. Questions to twig their memories and trigger them to speak. When we don’t ask it could be assumed we don’t care or don’t want to know. This is not true.

When our children are with us and we start a set of goals and plans to move toward, they often get interrupted when the kids go back to their other homes. Sometimes the accountability needed for sticking to those goals and plans gets lost when the child is not with the parent who started the process. Also when our kids go between homes it can become blurred which parents are responsible in which areas. Sometimes one home may assume that the other home is on top of something and things unknowingly fall through the cracks. 

Our kids have 2 homes and 3-4 parental figures (depending on which kids we are talking about) – the challenge for them is often remembering who knows what. They are blessed with more people who love and invest in them than many other children, but it can be a double sided challenge. Often our children have a conversation with the parent or parents in one home and forget to have it again in the other home. The back and forth between homes also causes books, assignments, dance costumes, soccer gear and the likes to get left behind. More often than I can count we get calls to pick up or retrieve such items and drop them off at the appropriate place – just before the needed time. Sometimes these things get missed all together. We keep track, as best we can, via text and phone calls, emails and the downloaded app from the high school. However, parenting via technology is never adequate. The kids don’t seem too bothered though. Thankfully, (for me) one of the girls and one of the boys popped in and I got to catch up with them first hand.  

We are blessed with 4 intelligent and talented kids. They are all equally intelligent and talented, but they are not all equally motivated or studious. Therefore, the need for better communication. Last year we had some struggles. Our kids are so close. We can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel (for high school, anyway). Honestly, I can barely wait. I should cherish these moments, and not wish them done – but right now we are in the slog and I look forward to the end.   

Every year there are back to school clothes, supplies and fees – they all have a cost. However, a benefit of being a blended family is the expenses are shared. My husband and I have working arrangements with either our kids or our previous partners (depending on the situation) about how much money we are spending or who is responsible for what. Our amicable relationships really help in this area.

We still feel a financial strain, but are excited. Depending on how this year goes, we may have 2 graduations to celebrate – one university and one high school. Grad years are busy; lots to do, lots going on, and lots of things to think and talk about. I am jumping ahead of myself but I am already wondering about how many tickets we will be able to get to attend the grads and who we should invite.

Our oldest (my step daughter) was our first high school graduate. When she graduated from high school she attended a different school than our younger kids. Her mom did the busy stuff for grad: dry grad committee; bottle drive fundraisers; dry grad decorating; family grad celebration; etc. I don’t even know what all was done – she did a lot. This time it is my turn. My oldest will be the high school grad. I am not sure what I’m supposed to do. I guess start paying attention to the school’s emails – probably a good place to start. Perhaps a boy grad won’t be so busy?  

Anyway, a new school year holds promise and possibilities. Our children get to learn new things and grow into what they learn. From experience, we know, the process of learning isn’t always easy. It takes determination, commitment, stamina and grit. Sometimes it takes everything you have. Our children are in school but we are learning, too. Every year brings new courses, processes and stages. Sometimes courses, processes, and stages stay the same, but the experience is always different – each of our children are different. 

As we experience their learning – we learn too. We learn: who they are; who they want to be; where they want to go; what their strengths are; what their weaknesses are; their ultimate goals; how far they are willing to reach; and how hard they are willing to work. We often learn the same about ourselves. Their learning holds a mirror up to us and reflects to us how and what we have taught them in the past.

When they struggle, we struggle. We struggle with parental guilt, sadness, and fear. Sometimes we wish their lives were easy, but this really isn’t true. We know struggle builds people. Struggle builds strength – it builds character. We are grateful for struggle, but unwittingly prefer our children to stay at ease. Every struggle they experience raises questions for us. Is that our fault? Did they get that from us? Is that how we are? Did we teach them right? Were we too tough? Specifically, did I spend too much time on my own education and not focus enough on theirs? What can we do to help? The list goes on and on. Sometimes their struggles show us something we need to change. Sometimes their struggle is something we need to accept. Sometimes there is nothing we can do. Sometimes we have to let them figure it out.

So here’s to  back to school, the new school year, and graduations to come. As Aristotle said, “The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.” This is our hope – we look forward to the fruit.

A Family at Play

• 

  “A Family who plays together – stays together” unknown

“ You can learn more about a man [person] in an hour of play than you can in a lifetime of conversation.” Plato

Planning a vacation that works for everyone in a blended family is difficult. It is difficult for a number of reasons – mainly scheduling difficulties and the financial cost of traveling as a large family. 

In our family I complicate the process due to my spontaneous get up and go nature. I even got one of our children fired from a job once. In my defence, I come by it naturally. I gave him a few days notice. That’s enough? Right? Apparently not.

I get my spontaneity from my dad. When I was a kid my brothers and I often only had 20 minutes notice to be ready and in the car for our family trips/adventures. I was 15 on my last family trip. I went reluctantly and protestingly (as only a teenage girl can do) until a day into the trip everything changed. I loved it. Some of my best memories where made on that trip. On another trip when I was 14 I whined, cried and complained for the entire first 6 hours of the drive. I finally gave up realizing it was pointless, my dad wasn’t going to turn around – not after putting up with me for 6 solid hours. When my kids have even the slightest protest to  or on a family trip I remember this. I have to give it to my dad for putting up with me and I am thankful my kids protests are extremely mild compared to what mine was. 

I was so young the last time I went on a family trip. It feels highly likely to me that every family trip we go on could be our last. The fact that we are a blended family and lack biological bonds heightens the possibility; this saddens and scares me. I know blended families who once the kids are grown they drift apart and never see each other again. I don’t want that for our family but is a possibility.  

Our blended family of 8 years has only had 3 actual trips and a few local  camping trips with all 6 of us in attendance. Our first family trip we took while my husband and I were dating and testing the water to see how our families would blend. The second we took 6 years ago, and the third was a beach camping trip to the West Coast of British Columbia (our province) – I am still sweeping up the sand.

We have had a number of trips where our 3 youngest can come but not our oldest, or just the girls or just the boys. We have had a trip where just the 3 youngest and I have made it and a trip where only one of the kids could come. All these trips have been good and fun but when someone is missing it makes a difference. The dynamic changes. There is less conversation, less activity and more missing them and boredom. 

This trip we were away for 8 days – 3 visiting family and 5 camping. For 2 of the 5 camping days my boys couldn’t be with us. Their dad had scheduled camping with his family at the same time. We want them to always get the best possible experiences with both their families. In their best interest we chose to share. Fortunately, their dad and family were camping only a few hours way – my oldest took my car and drove himself and his brother there and back. I was a little freaked out by this – part of the trip was on dirt road with no cell service. My husband reassured me that my son is capable and responsible. He also reminded me that if I want my son to be a responsible, independent man I must allow him opportunities to try (he is almost 18). He managed the task with flying colours. The experience was validating for him and our oldest daughter commented on how he did such a good job driving the second car. 

So why am a quoting Plato? Because I have found this quote to be true. We had some very concentrated quality time, on this trip, time we rarely get at home, and we played. Wifi was only available at the camp office – it was a 2 minute walk from our tents. We had no cell service except the very occasional cellular wave that made it through and delivered wack-loads of messages we couldn’t even respond to. We brought a bunch of different board and card games with us but only played one of them because hanging out at the beach was so much fun.  

The unplugged play time allowed us to observe certain dynamics in our family. Dynamics that had been flying under the radar at home. We saw communication styles between siblings that won’t help them in the future. We recognized  some negative communication between my husband and I that could be detrimental if continued. Not only did we have time to observe these dynamics but we had time to talk about them. However, we didn’t talk about them until close to the end of the trip. Having fun together first built our trust in each other. We could then talk about our concerns in a loving relaxed and unthreatening manner. We could even explain why we needed to talk about them, and what could be the outcome if not addressed. Finally we could build each other up and share our hopes and dreams for each other and for our family. 

We saw positive things too. We saw that we truly are a family, we are happy to be together and can have a lot of fun. We got to see who are children are, what they love, and glimpses of who they are growing to be. This is exciting. We even saw willingness and excitement for possible future family trips. This made me happy. I can see at some point in the not too far off future we may need to start extending invitations to the significant others in their lives as they begin to create relationships of their own.   

Every trip we have taken we find there is learning, bonding and growth. This trip was no different. It reminded me of a couple of memories of our last family trip, 6 years ago. One week in to the 3 week trip, after a long day of the 6 of us being crammed into our truck, there was a conflict. (Surprising right?) One of our children had already had car sickness on the way and I had lost my cool once already. When we got to where we were camping for the next 2 nights and unloaded the truck we realized that during the drive one of the kids bikes had damaged one of the other kids bikes. The bikes had all been in the back of the truck stacked against each other. It was nobody’s fault but this is when the bickering and complaining began. 

Everyone in the family was hungry and irritable. It was really the first time a major conflict had come up in our family. The way it was going I could tell – if the bickering and complaining were allowed to go on it would be for the rest of the trip. I could see, how from there, it could become a permeating pattern in our family. Yuck! I recognized that my loss of cool earlier could have been one of the catalysts for this negative behaviour. I had to nip it in the bud. I wanted us to have fun and if we were bickering and complaining the whole trip it would be ruined for everyone – especially me.

It became a pivotal family leadership moment for me. For purely selfish reasons, I called my family together. We all stood in a circle and had our first real talk about communication. I said something about communication being our choice. We could choose to continue to bicker, complain, and blame each other for things we had no control over – the consequence being our family eventually being driven apart (we were about 2 years in at that time). Or we could choose to show compassion for each other and help each other. We were all hungry, tired and irritable. I explained that I didn’t want our family to be driven apart and I didn’t think anyone else did either. 

I don’t remember much more about that evening but the talk seemed to work. Everyone understood. We had a lot of  fun and made a lot of memories on that trip. The one we still laugh about most is how we ran out of gas, in the middle of nowhere, in a thunderstorm in Alberta. According to my brother who lives in Alberta, and who rescued us, it was one of worst storms he remembers. One of our kids freaked out scared, and I freaked out trying to get him to calm down. (Like me freaking out, at a kid who is freaking out, is going to help the situation.) Seriously, but you know – it is part of the story and we laugh about it now.  

A family is supposed to be a place where you can be yourself. A blended family is no different. No one is perfect. We all push each others buttons and screw up, but the fun times , the short trips and the vacations, allow us to see each other for who we really are. They allow us to build trust and strong bonds of love. The memories we make stay with us for a life time. They are important. Some say, a family who prays together stays together, but a rhyming phrase is also true: A family who plays together stays together.   

I can’t wait to plan another play-cation for our family in the future.

No Wicked Step Fathers? Really?

• 

  I am sure that can’t be true! We don’t live in a fairy tale world!

I am a step-mom, and I am well aware of the wicked step-mother archetype in common literature. You know the one, especially in fairy tales. She tries to take control, and gain status for herself at the expense of the step-child or rightful heir (usually a daughter). She is often personified as a witch or evil sorceress who casts a spell on the father. The father by contrast is weakened by her bewitching power. He is unable to see through her manipulation. The end results of her manipulation could include his children becoming desolate and poor, enslaved to her, or worse – dead.

Fairy tales often parallel events and occurrences in real life. There are wicked step-mothers – but there are also wicked step-fathers. So why is it that there is not equal wicked step-father to wicked step-mother stories in our literature? The weighted end of the literature leans on the wicked step-mother, so much so, there is even a character archetype. Are there no wicked step-fathers? Really? Is there no evidence in real life to support the existence of such a character? Does the lack of stories reflect male privilege? Does it run deeper? Could there be a more sinister reason? I am not really sure. I have a thought, but I am just asking the questions.

I am not the first to question why the wicked step-father does not appear as frequently as his counter part in literature. I am sure I won’t be the last. I question it because as a woman and as a step-mother the wicked step-mother archetype and the lack of the male counterpart irks me. Equality is important to me – I would appreciate a more accurate reflection of reality. So much so, I may write my own wicked step-father fairy tale at some point. 

In my experience it seems wicked step-mothers and wicked step-fathers are probably about equal. Wicked step-fathers may possibly be slightly more frequent. I am only basing this on my own experience and experiences others have shared with me. I don’t know the comparative statistics. I also I don’t know, for sure, if one gender is more wicked than the other. Wicked may not even be the right word, but it is the one used to describe women in the stories. Wicked can be based on perception and there is a whole continuum of wickedness. This continuum is much too complex to tackle in one blog post. I leave it open for you to define.

In my google searches I found a few opinions why a wicked step-father archetype is not present in our literature. Two main opinions stood out. 

1. Men tend to be absent more often than they are wicked.
2. In patriarchal societies (where the stories come from) women and children had no rights. Women and children were viewed as property. Therefore, we assume a  cruel and abusive man would not be viewed as wicked – only doing with his property as was his right.   

Although I see the plausibility of both these opinions, I can’t help but wonder if it is more complex. I wonder if there are more reasons. Why in our modern society have more wicked step-father stories not surfaced or come to light? In literature wicked step-mothers tend to directly interfere with financial inheritance or be murderously jealous. They have no status apart from their husband; therefore, they are willing to do whatever it takes to gain status and control. The topics of control, status, inheritance and jealousy are not too difficult to wade through in a short story. It only takes a few brief sentences to create a moral even children can understand. However, if we open up the layers of a wicked step-father story, it would go much deeper than that.

In our society men still have power and status above women. Real life wicked step-father stories often include manipulation and treachery but also all other kinds of abuse: financial, mental, physical, emotional, verbal, sexual etc… Wicked step-mother stories can include these too, but they aren’t the topics mentioned in common literature (at least not directly). None of these topics are easy to address – directly or indirectly. Perhaps, that is why we don’t hear these stories in our literature. Are we afraid to look at the wicked step-father character? Is it because we are afraid to speak openly about abuse? Would we rather sweep it under the rug and hope it will just disappear?

Abuse  is a scary topic. It reflects something about us that is frightening and sinister. What does it say about us as a species when children (our futures) are not safe in their families – when their mothers cannot protect themselves or their children? What does it say when those with power, status and the ability to protect misuse it and abuse the weaker, younger ones in their care – ones that they claim to love? 

How are writers and society to address these topics? I am not sure, but we need to talk about them. We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. How do we acknowledge our pain and dysfunction and give warning in a healthy manner? How do we do it without burying the moral in so much symbolism that it gets lost? 

We don’t live in a fairy tale world, but fairy tales reflect and influence how we view or should view our reality. Specifically how young girls are to view reality. I was 9 when my dad remarried, and I entered that blended family completely aware of the wicked step-mother archetype. I knew well the story of Cinderella and on some occasions felt that it was mine. I was constantly on guard for the danger posed by another woman entering my life. My step-daughters came into our blended family aware of the wicked step-mother archetype, too. Our common stories have warned them to be on guard against women – so why not men too?

Unfortunately, we live in a world where there is abuse. There are abusers both male and female. There are victims both male and female, and there is a history of abusers being protected before victims. Sometimes even being protected by their victims. This is why I ask the question: No wicked step-fathers? Really? This is why I advocate for a more honest reflection of reality. We can’t continue to sweep wicked step-father stories under the rug and away from our consciousness. We can’t exclude them in our common literature as if they don’t exist. They do. We have addressed some issues of wicked step-mothers in stories, but not their male counter parts. I love a good fairy tale, I love the romance and the symbolism, the moral, and the warning – but in this one area, it is time for our fairy tale world to begin reflecting our real world a bit more accurately. 

Step or No Step?

• 

  Give it some thought.

In my last post To Step or Not to Step I stated that I have never liked the term “step” in referring to parents or children in a blended family. I also stated that I would feel more comfortable removing it completely – but that doesn’t always work. In fact, I have found there are 3 really  good reasons to use the term.

Recently, I drove my youngest step-daughter to pick up some friends and take them to the lake (one friend I had never met). My step-daughter introduced me as her step-mom as she usually does. I appreciated the introduction and the acknowledgement to her friend of my relationship to her. It made me feel important. I was glad she didn’t need to stumble over what to call me, or how to refer to me directly, but could confidently state the relationship we have. 

I believe relationships are sacred, and by sacred I mean important. I believe relationships should be honoured and protected – especially when children are involved. Although I don’t like the term “step”, the use of it in a blended family can play a protective role.

Blended families have a high failure rate. Statistically, in the USA, 67% of 2nd marriages end in divorce, and 73% of 3rd marriages end in divorce, compared to 50% of 1st marriages (Psychology Today). Canadian statistics are not much different. When I took Psychology in nursing school I learned another statistic that really hit home for me (at that time I was recently divorced). I learned that 1st marriages last an average of 7 years (mine lasted 10), 2nd marriages an average of 3. There was no data on 3rd marriages, etc. I imagine it may go down from there. It was said that the reason for these averages is the time it normally takes for issues in a marriage to surface or become bad enough for action to be taken. It was suggested that in second marriages partners are more aware of issues, have less patience when issues arise, and know that they can handle a divorce. These marital statistics factor into the change in family structures and the increasing commonality of blended families.  

In Canada 1 in 10 children live in step-families/blended families (Stats Canada). In 2016 I filled out the census survey – my children were counted in those statistics. Due to the high number of blended families and their high failure rate it is important to have and use terms  like “step” that can separate the relationships and describe them accurately. Especially in the early stages when all the relationships are new, fresh and unpredictable.  

The 3 main reasons I believe the term “step” should be used in blended families, even though I don’t like it, are: 

1. Protection of biological parent-child relationships.
2. Protection of biological sibling relationships
3. Protection of a child’s personal identity

Biological parent-child relationships are sacred. A step-parent, even a good one, can’t replace a biological parent completely. They may share the role and may invest more in the child and have a closer relationship with the child than a biological parent – but they cannot remove the child’s natural need for connection with their biological parent. The natural need for connection to where they come from is deep in a child’s heart. This is true even if the biological parent is not involved, unhealthy, or abusive. The expectation that a step-parent will or can replace a biological parent sets up a blended family for failure and can cause damage to the child. The term “step” can protect against this and allow both the step-parent and the step-child to identify their relationship further as it grows.  

Biological sibling relationships are also sacred. The term “step” can protect them. However, in our family our children refer to each other as my brother or my sister without the use of “step”. This happened gradually and naturally without our instruction or intention. Perhaps it is because I have boys and my husband has girls. The difference in sexes seems to be a naturally protective barrier for the biological sibling relationships in our house. Perhaps it is because brothers bond differently to brothers, sisters bond differently to sisters and brothers and sisters bond differently to each other? I am not exactly sure. Perhaps due to what appears to be a naturally protective barrier, the biological relationships in our house didn’t feel threatened. The only brothers the girls have are step-brothers and the only sisters the boys have are step-sisters this seems to allow them to freely drop the  term “step” as they choose.

Finally, a child’s personal identity is sacred, fresh, and fragile. The term “step” and the lack of a parental title for a step-parent (using the step-parent’s name rather than assigning a title) can protect it. I can only speak from my own experience to explain this one. Here it goes –  when my dad remarried he began calling my step-mom “mama”. He also told us we would have a “new” mom. I was 9. I knew who my mother was – I knew who I was. My step-mom was not my mom, not a “new” mom or even close to my “mama”. To me calling her “mama” meant that I accepted an identity of being her daughter. This I definitely was not, I was nothing like her and she had two daughters – I was nothing like them. 

The sound of my dad calling her “mama” made my skin crawl. It irked me and it built in me a rebel spirit. No one was going to replace my mother, I had my mother or no mother. To this day I get irritated when a woman tries to mother me. My dad was trying to do what he thought was best but he didn’t know how my brothers and I felt or what our experience of our step-mother was when he was not there. My identity was threatened and I resisted. 

Had the term “step” been used in its protective capacity early on – perhaps the relationship could have grown.  Perhaps if my dad and my step-mom had been prepared to be step-parents and blend a family it would have worked. However, it did not. Thankfully, within 3 years this dysfunctional blended family was no more. Unfortunately it left wounds on all involved – especially the children. My dad tried to continue being a father figure to his step-children as much as he could (sending gifts, money etc.) but this only seemed to push them away further. It made me angry and jealous and made moving forward more difficult for everyone. In my mind they were his “step-children” and he was putting more effort into caring for them than he was his children. I wanted and needed him to identify and connect with me especially after all the trauma we had experienced.

So step or no step? It really depends on the people and relationships involved. I think the term has an important protective role in blending a family – especially early on. However, there are times when the term can be dropped but these times need to be negotiated with everyone involved with respect to their thoughts and feelings. Each blended family is different, complex and has different needs. So step or no step? It’s up to you, but give it some thought. A word like “step” in a blended family has the power to give or take life. Use it wisely.  

As I was writing this post my youngest step-daughter and I had a quick conversation. I told her how I don’t actually feel she and her sister are step-daughters – we have grown beyond that (8 years in) and they are the only daughters I will ever have. She reflected that it felt weird to her introducing me as her step-mom. She said “because step-mom is connected to the idea of the wicked step-mom”. She also said, “I have known you too long for you to be my step-mom, but you are not my mom.” This conversation made me smile. We haven’t come up with a better term yet. Maybe we need another 8 years to think, but where we are is good.